Time And The Rani (1987) Review

"Time and tide melt the snowman."

Time And The Rani is a rare, fascinating case where literally everything went wrong with the production to create the most iconic misfire in Doctor Who history.

WRITTEN BY

Pip and Jane Baker, whose previous efforts were spotty, but certainly not horrible enough to build up... whatever this is.

PLOT

After succumbing to the Rani's attack and regenerating, the Doctor is held in her laboratory on Lakertya in a delirious state, unknowingly assisting her in forming the planet into a time manipulator with which to control the evolution of all existence!

Also, Mel runs around a lot like a headless chicken and there's like, bubbles and bees and brains of death.

ANALYSIS

I don't personally think Time And The Rani is the worst Doctor Who story, that title is reserved for either the most boring of runarounds or the most insulting retcons.

This story, on the other hand, has little to no ambition outside of comic book entertainment. It's like a camp cake, with nothing, but layers and layers of camp. An OTT cartoon where the most outrageous thing you can imagine is immediately topped a minute later.

So let's see, hmm... the set design is lurid and plasticky(matched wonderfully by the location shooting in an exceptionally ugly quarry), the actors are all confused and/or disinterested, the script is hilariously bad, the costumes are out of a pantomime, the music is insanely intense whenever anything happens and the idiocy just goes on and on for four episodes.

A poor workman makes the most noise.

CHARACTERS

Damn, you can tell Sylvester McCoy was not prepared for this. Acting in general, I mean. His reaction to finding out that the Rani double-crossed him on a prisoner exchange has to be seen to be believed. He actually bites his fist after dropping the right answer to the Rani's brain that enables her to complete her plan. And the less said of those pratfalls, the better.

As a clown, he's awesome, but this is his first performance as the Doctor, and man, is it amateur hour. At least with Colin in The Twin Dilemma, you could tell he was intentionally ravaging the scenery and his lack of restraint was somewhat awesome, but this makes old Sylv look like an out of touch Looney Toon.

Not that Bonnie Langford is any better. Amongst the awesome storyline and acting in season 23, she came across as cute, but here, she's quite possibly the most unbearable part of an already insane circus of nonsense. That highpitched voice, her constant screaming and hugging strangers, I, uh, I just can't, I don't even want to think of her anymore, I'm trying to mentally block out that pink sonic marshmallow.

Kate O'Mara was the only consistently emtertaining character, as she somehow managed to retain her dignity, evem though the Rani is the complete opposite of who she was in Mark Of The Rani.

The Lakertyan actors were remarkably solid given the material, especially Wanda Ventham(Mama Cumberbatch), and actually seemed invested, so that sort of grounded it to some sort of reality at least.

NOTES

*It was nice to see the older Doctors' costumes(or in some cases, vague approximations), though the idea of the Doctor trotting them all out seems kinda silly to me(also, that teacher outfit looked great on Sylvester).

*I think Sylvester used the Sixth Doctor's umbrella more than the Sixth Doctor.

*The Doctor's tie jutted out of the vest for like half an episode, and I couldn't help noticing every time. Pet peeves for the win!

*I kinda like the Seventh Doctor's mixed metaphors gimmick(as they do actually have meaning), although it makes his dialogue really hard to follow.

*Whilst most of the soundtrack is Sea Devils-level garbage, a few of the themes are pretty punchy and belong in a much better story.

*Ikona is a complete idiot for smashing that antidote. You can build your civilisation next week, you dolts... if you still have it left by then.

*In case anyone asked, I imagine the TARDIS's infinite wardrobe provided Mel's costume for the Rani.

*Kate O'Mara's Bonnie Langford impression was adorable, right down to sitting on her own console!

*The only genuinely great part of the story was the moment where the Doctor crossed his fingers that the rocket missed the asteroid of strange matter.

CONTINUITY ADVISOR

1) The Doctor tries on various outfits reminiscent of his other incarnations: namely the Second Doctor's furcoat, the Third Doctor's velvet jacket, the Fourth Doctor's season 18 overcoat and fedora and the Fifth Doctor's coat and fedora(and a cricket bat). I do like seeing the old costumes again, so I'll give it a pass(McCoy looks particularly hilarious in Tom Baker's massive coat).

2) The Seventh Doctor recalls his hatred of carrot juice and calling Mel an elephant, both of which were established in Terror Of The Vervoids as a running gag.

BEST QUOTE

"More hasta, less vista!" - The Seventh Doctor, dabbling in catchphrases 7 years ahead of the Terminator.

CONCLUSION

Time and tide melt the snowman.